Every day, little by little

Slowly recovering from being sick: I took the kids to a local stationary store to get their school supplies this morning (finally!), picked up worms and crickets for Elizabeth, and stuff for lunch (no school snacks yet — not going to bother until the last minute because these little vultures will have them gone in 24 hours!), then collapsed promptly at 12:30 and had to sleep until 5. It was almost as though I could feel my systems running out of fuel, a steady wave of weakness and headache and just being unwell. Very frustrating and inconvenient. But there it is. I made the elder child take the dog for a walk while I cleaned up the kitchen, a total mess after a few days in bed, and then I made myself walk to the store to get fixings for perogies.

We didn’t eat until close to 8, but as I reminded my offspring: it wouldn’t have taken me as long to make dinner if they’d both done their share in cleaning up their own dishes while I was ill. They didn’t complain, so there’s that. Pulling their own weight continues to be a work in progress, but I think there has been improvement.

I just wish I could say I had achieved my overall goal for improving the house itself, this summer. Not even close to done, though. And my garden was completely neglected. Leaves me feeling a bit of a failure, to be honest. I don’t want to be embarrassed by the state of things in here anymore, I haven’t for a long time. Yet, here we are. Tried to tell myself that the kids are happy and healthy, and that’s all that matters, and to think about the other homes I’ve seen that are like my own. But I have a very hard time shaking the guilt. And there is so much more I want to do with the place where we live, with mirrors and plants and wall hangings and painting the stairs . . . None of which can be done until it’s clean and organized. And I’m starting to think it’s just not going to happen until the kids are gone away to college.

On top of that, it’s back to work for me on Monday, so I have to get my energy back to go into the school and prepare. 

(Sigh)

I am grateful, though, for all that I / we do have. Maybe I feel guilty for not showing the gratitude enough.

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