Attacks of the Mind

I slept too much today. Slept and dreamed, but they were disturbing and stressful dreams about work and home and I kept waking up, expecting to be needed for something. It wasn’t until around 8:30 in the evening, after I’d laid down for yet another nap because my eyes were so tired and unhappy, that I actually felt good and like myself again. For a couple of hours, at any rate.

Dark days. It’s not just the absence of daylight, and that what little sunshine we do get between heavy cloud cover and bouts of pouring rain is itself watery and weak. It’s that I’m starting to feel muffled again. Crowded. That I’ve been trying to keep my head above water for too long, and now my body just wants to give in. I’m very, very thankful that my spouse is so understanding, because I can barely stand myself lately. Work is okay — it’s a distraction, it’s a routine, and while there are pressures, I can handle them for the most part. I wish I could put the same level of organization and structure into my household as I’ve got at school, but when I get home, it feels like it’s too much. I know I’ve written about this before and it’s a running problem that I need to solve. That we, as a family, need to solve. Somehow I doubt it will ever happen, though. The water keeps rising, and I’m treading in place. 

Wanted to write today. All that stuff I plunked down on this blog yesterday about telling myself the story, I’ve been trying to tell myself again, and I had all kinds of free time when both kids were out with their friends. But I ended up sleeping instead. Wasted the time. Am I lazy or am I selfish or am I ill? I wonder. Is laziness about having the energy and not bothering — and therefore, when I haven’t got the energy, or I have it but I don’t know where to start so I give up, am I lazy? How selfish is it to do nothing with your Saturday but bingewatch a happy-making show, knit, and sleep, when there is work to be done? The details and symptoms of my depression match the typical checklists out there, and I’ve been going through this cycle for so many years that I know what I need to do to help myself be well — the trouble is doing the things when I’m least motivated. And it’s hard to avoid calling myself lazy and selfish, hard to keep from comparing myself to others in my real-world and virtual circle who are productive and constructive and awesome on their Saturdays. 

I just wish I were a better person. A person who has a more even keel. 

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